Thank you Tara for your response to the last post. It was just confirmation of what the Lord has been telling me since the I wrote it down.
Last night I went to a "Night Of Praise" at the church my brother is the praise & worship leader. It was great! There is just something about worshipping the Lord in such an atmosphere of freedom. And it occurred to me that I am spending way too much time dwwlling on all of this. If I want to be the same person I am today in a year then I should just keep on doing what I am doing. I want to be free of this burden. I want to be effective for the Kingdom of God and most importantly I want this wall of seperation between me and my Father God to come crumbling down. We sang a song last night that says "the enemys been defeated, death couldn't hold you down, gonna raise my voice in victory, gonna make my praises loud". People, it was like a gong ringing in my soul. The "Ah-Ha Moment". God can handle all of this, why have I tried to do it all on my own? In one word.....pride. So I am making the choice to move forward and do what I need to do. Forgive. I know I will have to do it daily for it to make any difference but I am ready to experience true freedom in Christ.
And by the way....if you haven't read the comment that was left on the last post, please do so. It's great!!! And I know that she writes out of a heart that seeks to please the Lord above all else. I trust her counsel.
Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel........K
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
An Obstacle?
God has been dealing with me about forgiveness.....or should I say my unwillingness to do it. As I have already said who I would like to believe I am and who I actually am is at complete odds these days. In some ways I am very grateful. It means that I am at least trying to be honest with myself. In other ways it is so hard. What is that saying? "Ignorance Is Bliss". Back to forgiveness. I never thought of myself as unforgiving but the more I learn about it and study what God thinks about it, I am realizing that yes, I walk in unforgiveness alot of the time. Not so much in the sense that God does not forgive me but more that I have not/do not forgive myself and others. I have found myself jumping on the bandwagon of offense all too often. And some of the time its not even me that has been offended. But rather someone I know. And instead of encouraging my friends and family members in what God says about it, I have rallied around them and picked up a suitcase of offense myself. It happens really easily when we turn to others to validate our feelings instead of turning and talking to God about it. So here I am walking around with all of this baggage of unforgiveness towards others and myself yet still expecting everyone else to deal with me with grace, mercy and unconditional forgiveness. And then I am even more offended when it doesn't happen.
I have been learning these last few months that unforgiveness opens the door to the enemy to wreak havoc in my life. It gives him a legal right to do what he pleases. That is NOT what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that I was truly the exception to the command in the Bible to forgive. I wanted to justify why I felt the way I do. I want to explain to the Lord that I have a legitimate reason to hold onto bitterness. I wanted him to understand that I couldn't let go of my "junk". Then he reminded me that if anyone had a reason to hold a grudge it would be Him. He sent his son to redeem me and to forgive my every offense (toward him & toward others) and he chose to do it out of love. He looks upon me now with such love and compassion but I also know that his heart is breaking because I am missing out on so much of what He has to offer.
Now I have a choice to make. Do I give him the laundry list of all the reasons I need to hold onto unforgiveness or do I obey what He says and trust that He knows what He is talking about? That I will be better for it?
I am still trying to figure out where he stands on opening up and being vulnerable with those that have hurt me. I feel that I can forgive them and pray for them without having to continue a deep relationship with them. Anyone else have any thoughts on the matter? I know that my God is a God of restoration and that He can and is willing to restore what has been taken. But does he say anywhere in the Bible that we have to be "friends" with everyone? All I can find is that he says to love one another. And there are some people that for the time being would be easier to love if I didn't have to see them right now.
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners"
Isaiah 61:1
I think it is time for a PRISON BREAK!!
I have been learning these last few months that unforgiveness opens the door to the enemy to wreak havoc in my life. It gives him a legal right to do what he pleases. That is NOT what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that I was truly the exception to the command in the Bible to forgive. I wanted to justify why I felt the way I do. I want to explain to the Lord that I have a legitimate reason to hold onto bitterness. I wanted him to understand that I couldn't let go of my "junk". Then he reminded me that if anyone had a reason to hold a grudge it would be Him. He sent his son to redeem me and to forgive my every offense (toward him & toward others) and he chose to do it out of love. He looks upon me now with such love and compassion but I also know that his heart is breaking because I am missing out on so much of what He has to offer.
Now I have a choice to make. Do I give him the laundry list of all the reasons I need to hold onto unforgiveness or do I obey what He says and trust that He knows what He is talking about? That I will be better for it?
I am still trying to figure out where he stands on opening up and being vulnerable with those that have hurt me. I feel that I can forgive them and pray for them without having to continue a deep relationship with them. Anyone else have any thoughts on the matter? I know that my God is a God of restoration and that He can and is willing to restore what has been taken. But does he say anywhere in the Bible that we have to be "friends" with everyone? All I can find is that he says to love one another. And there are some people that for the time being would be easier to love if I didn't have to see them right now.
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners"
Isaiah 61:1
I think it is time for a PRISON BREAK!!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The Plan
Ever notice how when you decide that you are going to get serious about something, especially time with the Lord, things just start falling apart? It seems that everytime I sit down with my Bible that my children have some crisis (not really a crisis, they just think it is) or one of them gets hurt, or the phone rings, or the dryer buzzer goes off, or they decide that it is time to learn everything there is to learn in the history of the world, or even something great like them wanting to cuddle up in my lap, or wanting to play with me, or wanting to read with me. (Right now my oldest is needing to ask a question.......he is giving me the rundown of todays schedule....he really should be an event planner when he gets older)
Back to what I was thinking. I am realizing that the enemy, Satan, does NOT wanting me to spend deliberate time with the Lord. He doesn't like it when I spend anytime with the Lord but it really aggrivates him when I set aside a certain time. So he does anything he can to distract me. And I will be honest there have been more times than not that his plan worked. I would either get off track or I would just so aggrivated that I would mentally throw in the towel. (No joke guys, my oldest is now rubbing my arm and playing with my hair...any other time it would be so sweet) But everytime I give in I am letting him win and I am accepting defeat. Defeat....there is a word. I hadn't realized until this past month how often I am walking around in defeat. I always assumed that if I was still upright and walking that I was victorious. That I was living life to the fullest and enjoying the blessings that God has promised and has given me. Uhm, Not True! Everyday we see people around us that look like the most miserable saddest people we have met. I guess I thought that people couldn't really see how I was feeling. That I was "that good" at hiding it. Well, my friends, the proof is in the pudding. I have succeeded in alienating most of my friends, I have gotten very good at playing the blame game. I gripe, I complain, I gossip, I am critical of others, I hate to admit when I am wrong, I am a control freak, I am lazy, I am sad. That does not sound like a person that is walking in victory. So the joke is on me.
But I don't want to be that person anymore and I certainly don't want to pass my baggage onto my children and grandchildren and so on. They shouldn't have to deal with my issues because I was too selfish, prideful or complacent to do it myself. I am realizing that while I have focused a good deal of my time looking at the garbage that has been passed down to me, I am the one that accepted it as my own, decided to carry it around and then added my own crap on top of that. No one else made that decision for me. And no one can make the decision to let it go except me. God is willing to take it all if I will lay it down.
But am I willing to let God in my business? Am I truly ready to be vulnerable, honest and open with him and myself? That is the question......
Back to what I was thinking. I am realizing that the enemy, Satan, does NOT wanting me to spend deliberate time with the Lord. He doesn't like it when I spend anytime with the Lord but it really aggrivates him when I set aside a certain time. So he does anything he can to distract me. And I will be honest there have been more times than not that his plan worked. I would either get off track or I would just so aggrivated that I would mentally throw in the towel. (No joke guys, my oldest is now rubbing my arm and playing with my hair...any other time it would be so sweet) But everytime I give in I am letting him win and I am accepting defeat. Defeat....there is a word. I hadn't realized until this past month how often I am walking around in defeat. I always assumed that if I was still upright and walking that I was victorious. That I was living life to the fullest and enjoying the blessings that God has promised and has given me. Uhm, Not True! Everyday we see people around us that look like the most miserable saddest people we have met. I guess I thought that people couldn't really see how I was feeling. That I was "that good" at hiding it. Well, my friends, the proof is in the pudding. I have succeeded in alienating most of my friends, I have gotten very good at playing the blame game. I gripe, I complain, I gossip, I am critical of others, I hate to admit when I am wrong, I am a control freak, I am lazy, I am sad. That does not sound like a person that is walking in victory. So the joke is on me.
But I don't want to be that person anymore and I certainly don't want to pass my baggage onto my children and grandchildren and so on. They shouldn't have to deal with my issues because I was too selfish, prideful or complacent to do it myself. I am realizing that while I have focused a good deal of my time looking at the garbage that has been passed down to me, I am the one that accepted it as my own, decided to carry it around and then added my own crap on top of that. No one else made that decision for me. And no one can make the decision to let it go except me. God is willing to take it all if I will lay it down.
But am I willing to let God in my business? Am I truly ready to be vulnerable, honest and open with him and myself? That is the question......
Monday, February 16, 2009
Introduction
I have contemplated writing another blog for quite awhile. And the idea just isn't leaving so here it is.
I have felt that I have been on a quest over the past few years. It has rocked everything I thought I knew about myself, my life, my beliefs, my mindsets, my past, and my future. It has changed how I view people, circumstances and everything I encounter. While I would like to say that I have been growing and learning and progressing, I feel that I am still in the stripping it all down so the Lord can re-teach me what is His truth. I have had my own perception of "my truth" that I have held onto tightly, and it has shaped everything about me. But I have begun to realize that just because I see something a certain way doesn't mean that God sees it the same way. I am having to relearn everything.
So I decided to write everything that the Lord is revealing to me and teaching me in this blog. If for no other reason than to make myself accountable for what he is telling me. And maybe it will minister to someone else in the process. I must say first that I am writing this for my own benefit. I will not filter what the Lord is revealing to me or even how I am dealing with it to make others more comfortable. With that said, read if you want and don't if you don't want to. It makes no difference to me. I have spent too much of my life thus far worrying about what other people think of me. And God has been teaching me lately that if I try to please everyone else and in doing so turn my back on him and this truth that I am making the worst decision possible. I want to please him. I have a long way to go. I know that. And I am realizing that more and more every day.
THE FIRST THING GOD IS TEACHING ME:
The biggest stumbling block between where I am and where God wants to take me is myself. My selfishness, my pride, my doubts, my unbelief, my fears. He is always willing to do a great thing in me but so often I have held back out of fear of the unknown. I may not like my self-imposed prison, but at least it is comfortable and I know what to expect. That mindset can keep me locked up in myself forever. I don't want that anymore.
Dear Lord, I release myself into your hands. Please reveal the things in my life that would keep me in chains mentally, physically, emotionally and most importantly spiritually. I don't want to be the person I am any longer. You created me to be so much more than what I have settled for. Please do your work in me. I love you and I thank you that you have not given up on me, ever.
I have felt that I have been on a quest over the past few years. It has rocked everything I thought I knew about myself, my life, my beliefs, my mindsets, my past, and my future. It has changed how I view people, circumstances and everything I encounter. While I would like to say that I have been growing and learning and progressing, I feel that I am still in the stripping it all down so the Lord can re-teach me what is His truth. I have had my own perception of "my truth" that I have held onto tightly, and it has shaped everything about me. But I have begun to realize that just because I see something a certain way doesn't mean that God sees it the same way. I am having to relearn everything.
So I decided to write everything that the Lord is revealing to me and teaching me in this blog. If for no other reason than to make myself accountable for what he is telling me. And maybe it will minister to someone else in the process. I must say first that I am writing this for my own benefit. I will not filter what the Lord is revealing to me or even how I am dealing with it to make others more comfortable. With that said, read if you want and don't if you don't want to. It makes no difference to me. I have spent too much of my life thus far worrying about what other people think of me. And God has been teaching me lately that if I try to please everyone else and in doing so turn my back on him and this truth that I am making the worst decision possible. I want to please him. I have a long way to go. I know that. And I am realizing that more and more every day.
THE FIRST THING GOD IS TEACHING ME:
The biggest stumbling block between where I am and where God wants to take me is myself. My selfishness, my pride, my doubts, my unbelief, my fears. He is always willing to do a great thing in me but so often I have held back out of fear of the unknown. I may not like my self-imposed prison, but at least it is comfortable and I know what to expect. That mindset can keep me locked up in myself forever. I don't want that anymore.
Dear Lord, I release myself into your hands. Please reveal the things in my life that would keep me in chains mentally, physically, emotionally and most importantly spiritually. I don't want to be the person I am any longer. You created me to be so much more than what I have settled for. Please do your work in me. I love you and I thank you that you have not given up on me, ever.
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