Lessons From Babes

The last few months I feel that the Lord has been systematically stripping off layers of yuck in my life. Some days I am a willing participant and some days I am not. But the last few weeks he has been dealing with me about rebellion. I never thought of myself as a rebellious person. Come on, I was the goody-goody in the family, class, or group of friends. But I have been learning that rebellion is more than what you do or don't do. It is a matter of the heart and will. I am realizing that I have had authority issues, follow-through problems, dependabilty shortfalls, and the list goes on. Don't get me wrong....I am not beating myself up. It is just a reality that the Lord is wanting to change in my life.

So the last two weeks I have been digging in my heels in regards to actually dealing with the issues. I have been praying and asking the Lord what he wants to do in me but was, well, being rebellious about actually taking action and surrendering. It seems so easy to talk about surrendering to the Lord and His will for my life. But I found that in order to do that I have to put me aside; my plans, my agenda, my comfort, my feelings, my strongholds, and the desire to have things MY way. It is alot scarier than originally thought. And the crazy thing is if I would surrender to the Lord then the pressure of having to have everything turn out a certain way would be off. All I would be responsible for is obedience.

Obedience, another thing I didn't think I had a problem with. But as it turns out, I do. True obedience is 100% obedience with a submitted heart and will. Not 40% obedience with an attitude. Or even saying that you will do something and then backing out. And what God is speaking to me may be different than what he is speaking to someone else. That brings me to my next hang-up, the critical comparison. Now I already told you that I considered myself a goody-goody but what I am realizing now is that I used that title to compare myself to others. In my mind, as long as someone else was messing up more than me then I was "holy" by default. WRONG!!! I could be doing everything right on the outside but if I was being disobedient with what the Lord was speaking to me then I am guilty. Not a little bit, or even a half but 100%. No exceptions. Partial obedience is still disobedience. And disobedience is rebellion. And it says in the Word of God that "rebellion is as witchcraft" Now I don't know about you, but I would never have considered myself as practicing witchcraft but that is what it says.

So after contemplating on all of this and still choosing to do things MY way, I began to see some things in my children. They would get in trouble or be openly defiant and disobedient and it would tick me off. And then I heard the Holy Spirit say to me "How are you any different?" I felt it all the way down into my Spirit that He was right. I have thrown fits when I didn't get MY way. I have said all the right things but inside I was screaming that I didn't mean them. I have chosen to walk around the mountain, more than once I might add, instead of holding Gods hand so he could take me to the top. I have shut-down when things didn't happen in my timing or the way I thought they should. And I have walked around with a terrible attitude because I haven't seen the fullness of blessing of the Lord in my life that I would like.

The answer? Surrender my will, my mind, my emotions, my heart, my desires to the Lord and die to myself. That simple. God has a plan for my life. And it so much better than what I have even imagined for myself. I am ready to be different. Not just an outward effort that falls short when the will-power wears off but a complete heart transplant that will affect every part of my life.

Dear Lord, how I love you and I thank you that you have not given up on me. I have been so stubborn and pig-headed. Please forgive me of my disobedience, selfishness, rebellion, laziness, complacency and doubt. It says in your Word that you love me with an unfailing love that will never destroy or dissapoint but instead will encourage me to be more than I could ever dream. I choose this day to trust and believe that promise. Please continue to reveal the areas of my life that need a complete overhaul and strengthen me as I walk out your will in my life. May the Joy of the Lord be my strength. And renew my mind as I read your Word and spend time with You. I thank you that I can hold onto you knowing that You are Sovereign, in control, and love me unconditionally. Please mold me to look more like You so that others may see Jesus in me. Thank you again for the hope and future I have in you. Thank you Jesus.
In Jesus name,
Amen.

Did you know...

that it takes alot more energy to be mean to someone that to be nice?

The Lord and His Grace is sufficient for me.

Now the Testing....

Well it would be wonderful if my life would just roll along in a way that would never require me to step outside my comfort zone, or face things that I would rather not face, or be asked to take steps that bristle my flesh nature. But here I am, feeling like I am facing down the throat of the bear and having to trust solely on my Heavenly Father to do in me what I know is impossible on my own. My mind says run, the Holy Spirit says stay. My mind and heart say "build another row of bricks on the wall around me", the Holy Spirit says "let me help you come undone". I can't see exactly where the Lord is taking me but I am feeling hope in knowing that the creator of the universe knows the way and that he will guide my every step. But the hard part is letting go of myself, my agenda, my plans, my angst, and claims on past hurts and lay it all at the feet of Jesus.

Today I feel like I am being asked to walk through the fire but the Lord promises that he will be with me IN the fire and that I will emerge on the other side refined like gold. Will it be worth it? Yes, I believe it will. Will it be painful? Yes, I believe it will. Am I willing? Yes, I am, with all my heart.

Ah-Ha

Thank you Tara for your response to the last post. It was just confirmation of what the Lord has been telling me since the I wrote it down.

Last night I went to a "Night Of Praise" at the church my brother is the praise & worship leader. It was great! There is just something about worshipping the Lord in such an atmosphere of freedom. And it occurred to me that I am spending way too much time dwwlling on all of this. If I want to be the same person I am today in a year then I should just keep on doing what I am doing. I want to be free of this burden. I want to be effective for the Kingdom of God and most importantly I want this wall of seperation between me and my Father God to come crumbling down. We sang a song last night that says "the enemys been defeated, death couldn't hold you down, gonna raise my voice in victory, gonna make my praises loud". People, it was like a gong ringing in my soul. The "Ah-Ha Moment". God can handle all of this, why have I tried to do it all on my own? In one word.....pride. So I am making the choice to move forward and do what I need to do. Forgive. I know I will have to do it daily for it to make any difference but I am ready to experience true freedom in Christ.

And by the way....if you haven't read the comment that was left on the last post, please do so. It's great!!! And I know that she writes out of a heart that seeks to please the Lord above all else. I trust her counsel.

Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel........K

An Obstacle?

God has been dealing with me about forgiveness.....or should I say my unwillingness to do it. As I have already said who I would like to believe I am and who I actually am is at complete odds these days. In some ways I am very grateful. It means that I am at least trying to be honest with myself. In other ways it is so hard. What is that saying? "Ignorance Is Bliss". Back to forgiveness. I never thought of myself as unforgiving but the more I learn about it and study what God thinks about it, I am realizing that yes, I walk in unforgiveness alot of the time. Not so much in the sense that God does not forgive me but more that I have not/do not forgive myself and others. I have found myself jumping on the bandwagon of offense all too often. And some of the time its not even me that has been offended. But rather someone I know. And instead of encouraging my friends and family members in what God says about it, I have rallied around them and picked up a suitcase of offense myself. It happens really easily when we turn to others to validate our feelings instead of turning and talking to God about it. So here I am walking around with all of this baggage of unforgiveness towards others and myself yet still expecting everyone else to deal with me with grace, mercy and unconditional forgiveness. And then I am even more offended when it doesn't happen.

I have been learning these last few months that unforgiveness opens the door to the enemy to wreak havoc in my life. It gives him a legal right to do what he pleases. That is NOT what I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear that I was truly the exception to the command in the Bible to forgive. I wanted to justify why I felt the way I do. I want to explain to the Lord that I have a legitimate reason to hold onto bitterness. I wanted him to understand that I couldn't let go of my "junk". Then he reminded me that if anyone had a reason to hold a grudge it would be Him. He sent his son to redeem me and to forgive my every offense (toward him & toward others) and he chose to do it out of love. He looks upon me now with such love and compassion but I also know that his heart is breaking because I am missing out on so much of what He has to offer.

Now I have a choice to make. Do I give him the laundry list of all the reasons I need to hold onto unforgiveness or do I obey what He says and trust that He knows what He is talking about? That I will be better for it?

I am still trying to figure out where he stands on opening up and being vulnerable with those that have hurt me. I feel that I can forgive them and pray for them without having to continue a deep relationship with them. Anyone else have any thoughts on the matter? I know that my God is a God of restoration and that He can and is willing to restore what has been taken. But does he say anywhere in the Bible that we have to be "friends" with everyone? All I can find is that he says to love one another. And there are some people that for the time being would be easier to love if I didn't have to see them right now.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners"
Isaiah 61:1

I think it is time for a PRISON BREAK!!

A Song That Ministers To Me

The Plan

Ever notice how when you decide that you are going to get serious about something, especially time with the Lord, things just start falling apart? It seems that everytime I sit down with my Bible that my children have some crisis (not really a crisis, they just think it is) or one of them gets hurt, or the phone rings, or the dryer buzzer goes off, or they decide that it is time to learn everything there is to learn in the history of the world, or even something great like them wanting to cuddle up in my lap, or wanting to play with me, or wanting to read with me. (Right now my oldest is needing to ask a question.......he is giving me the rundown of todays schedule....he really should be an event planner when he gets older)

Back to what I was thinking. I am realizing that the enemy, Satan, does NOT wanting me to spend deliberate time with the Lord. He doesn't like it when I spend anytime with the Lord but it really aggrivates him when I set aside a certain time. So he does anything he can to distract me. And I will be honest there have been more times than not that his plan worked. I would either get off track or I would just so aggrivated that I would mentally throw in the towel. (No joke guys, my oldest is now rubbing my arm and playing with my hair...any other time it would be so sweet) But everytime I give in I am letting him win and I am accepting defeat. Defeat....there is a word. I hadn't realized until this past month how often I am walking around in defeat. I always assumed that if I was still upright and walking that I was victorious. That I was living life to the fullest and enjoying the blessings that God has promised and has given me. Uhm, Not True! Everyday we see people around us that look like the most miserable saddest people we have met. I guess I thought that people couldn't really see how I was feeling. That I was "that good" at hiding it. Well, my friends, the proof is in the pudding. I have succeeded in alienating most of my friends, I have gotten very good at playing the blame game. I gripe, I complain, I gossip, I am critical of others, I hate to admit when I am wrong, I am a control freak, I am lazy, I am sad. That does not sound like a person that is walking in victory. So the joke is on me.

But I don't want to be that person anymore and I certainly don't want to pass my baggage onto my children and grandchildren and so on. They shouldn't have to deal with my issues because I was too selfish, prideful or complacent to do it myself. I am realizing that while I have focused a good deal of my time looking at the garbage that has been passed down to me, I am the one that accepted it as my own, decided to carry it around and then added my own crap on top of that. No one else made that decision for me. And no one can make the decision to let it go except me. God is willing to take it all if I will lay it down.

But am I willing to let God in my business? Am I truly ready to be vulnerable, honest and open with him and myself? That is the question......